It's Complicated

When you openly admit to having a problem on a forum, such as this, people always ask you, "How are you doing?". I feel like this is a rhetorical question because everyone knows how I am doing. If you are reading this blog and have asked me "how are you doing?" in the last four months, I have probably lied to you. I'm only sort of sorry for it because, as previously mentioned, you should already know.

I admit, I haven't written in a while, and like anything human, my personal status of well-being is both circumstantial and unpredictable. How are you to know that I'm feeling awful today, when just yesterday I was doing great? You aren't. The easy answer is always to say, "I'm fine", and that's the answer I have given to almost all of you who have asked me how I am doing.
I should always be honest with all of you and so I'm going to answer you honestly now, "It's complicated".

There are two things we can do with an answer like that: I can return the question "How are YOU doing?" and we can talk about how you are excited about that thing you have, the trip you're taking, or the wonderful life you have. I'm totally cool with that! I like hearing good news. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a monster...rar! And, I'm genuinely interested in how everyone else spends their life.
The other option for my response is to go into detail about me.
If you are interested in what I have to say, please read on. If you don't give a shit (no hurt feelings here), this is where your section of the post ends for you. (Peace out!)

-Thanks for asking; it's complicated.

I'm not happy. There is no surprise there.
I don't feel like I'm missing anything major or that my life is incomplete. I am proud of the person and the Mom I have become. I don't have any life-long goals that I need to accomplish, nor do I feel like I'm destined for a greater purpose. Molly is my greater purpose and she is doing great. My business is my greater purpose and although it has been hard to train and be on-call 24/7 to a baby, I have still been working and I find it fulfilling.
I'm not happy for the same reason all new moms are unhappy; shifted focus from "ME" to "YOU", lack of sleep, bad advice from people who can't possibly understand, and the lack of predictability of the sweet little person I am caring for.

Before Molly was born, I was autonomous. I like doing things by myself; in fact, I'm the weirdo who goes to the movies alone and laughs alone in the dark. For obvious reasons, I don't spend any time by myself anymore. I don't sleep alone, I don't eat alone, and I definitely don't take a dump alone (yes, Molly comes with me to the bathroom. What else am I supposed to do with her?).
I am on-call 24/7 for someone else. I am always in mid-thought about what I am going to do next. I do all the maintenance work (like laundry and cleaning), and, during the week, all the playtime. Being with someone all the time (and up in the night when they are miserable) is exhausting. Although I could use some alone time (NOW!!!), Molly's care is a priority; thus Emma's care falls by the wayside. That would make anyone unhappy (especially if they look like a Yeti because they haven't waxed their eyebrows in about a year).

I know that as you read this, you want to offer me some advice. "Take some time for yourself", "Your baby is only as happy as you are", and "You should make yourself a goal". All of this sounds...well...no offence intended, but, ludicrous. First of all, I would love to take some time for myself. In fact, I'd love to take a whole day for myself! I don't care who comes to babysit but it ain't happening. I'm still nursing Molly and unless I pump myself dry, I'm not going anywhere. Sure, I can do that but she won't take a bottle from strangers (that is all of you, except Alex), and then I have to deal with the repercussions of her when I get her back. It is usually a shit-show and I don't want to deal with that either. It is honestly easier to just keep her near.
Secondly, Molly doesn't give a shit how happy I am. Really! She doesn't understand sympathy nor should she. She's a baby. Babies are driven by their needs and she tells me what she needs through crying. She cries a LOT! Not because she's necessary unhappy but because she wants to get out of her highchair or she wants to pet the cat. Listening to your baby express her discontent in almost every situation would drive anyone to madness.
Lastly, I'm not setting goals for myself at this juncture. I can barely handle the pressure of looking after a baby; why would I put more pressure on myself to achieve a goal when I lead an unpredictable life?

I have had Molly on a strict schedule for a few months now and it seemed to work great. She napped a total of three hours a day and was happy and slept (almost) through the night. She has decided that napping is for chumps and that she doesn't want to do that, or sleep through the night. This is change. I don't mind change but I'm currently at a crossroads as to what I am supposed to do with her now. What am I supposed to do with myself now? I got to nap. Now I don't. I'm still up in the night once or twice with a screaming baby.
Alex and I are currently reviewing the schedule and trying to work out something that works for all of us. No one mentions how difficult transitions are. All the 'Mommy books' tell you that THIS is how it is and that your baby will do THAT at the specified age. No.
This is one of the situations where I just have to feel it out and do my best to grab sleep where I can and hope that Molly settles into a routine at some point.

I know where my misery stems and I know that it is the result of Molly transitioning to do something and I am either not ready for, or ready for the next thing to happen. I can't just accept the transition and go with it. There are no tips or tricks for it. This a personal skill that comes with parental maturity. I'll let you know when I'm mature enough to handle it. In the meantime, I'm going to go play with my baby.

Wasted Energy

I apologize for not writing for the past two weeks. I've been busy...OKAY???!!!!! Geez!

Anyway, 

I've decided to take this blog in a new direction. 

I had the amazing pleasure of spending my past Wednesday with my long-time friend, Carly. She is (and has always been) someone I have always believed to be a super role model and amazing person. 

During her visit, we talked a lot about general themes around 'my' anger and frustration. (Carly, I'm sorry if it seemed like a one-sided discussion at times. I know we talked about how that irks us both and I'm totally guilty of it. I'm sorry!).

We talked about how, in our younger days, we wasted so much time and energy being unhappy with our bodies. Everyone is insecure about their body at pretty much any age and at any and all stages. There is a multibillion dollar industry (that I work for), that thrives off our physical insecurities. 

Note: I pride myself on being a picture of health and wellness rather than strive for an unrealistic body-type goal. 

That being said, Carly said that she could have refocused all the energy she wasted being unhappy with herself and put it towards something useful like learning a new language. I agree. 

Carly, you are so wise and I can't wait to chat with you in Ancient Greek. *wink wink*

So, what does this mean for my blog? Well, for starters, you all know that I'm miserable. I am. Can't argue with my feelings. They're mine. Instead of wasting my energy writing to you about how miserable I am, I'm going to talk about all the things I wish people (and books) had told me about the first year. I will do my best to recall all the strange things that happened in the beginning while trying to keep it as 'TMI'-free. You don't want to know about the real nitty gritty body stuff, do you? I was going to focus on the whole "baby" aspect of it all rather than the whole "You would not believe what your body does during and after childbirth"aspect. If you want to know about that, books outline it pretty well- except for the part where your partner is dying to get 'cuddly' with you after 6 weeks of recovery and you just want to throw them off a cliff for suggesting such blasphemy. 

In any case, this blog is going to start to look like my pregnancy blog only now I have the baby, and I have a real opinion about annoying things. Pregnancy- hated it. First time Mom- contempt for everything (and almost everyone). This should be a real knee-slapper.