Feedback

Since I began this blog (a few days ago), I've been receiving a lot of wonderful feedback.
I want to take this moment to formally thank everyone who has taken the time to read my blog. The feedback is also welcomed. I'm so happy that so many of you are finding comfort and camaraderie in my journey. I knew this blog would be therapeutic; I had no idea it would be therapeutic for more than just me.
Thank you all for being with me and supporting me.

That being said, I want to discuss some feedback I had from a long-time friend.
In her response to me, she mentioned a stigma around women in moments where we are 'expected' to be happy.
After I gave birth to Molly, Alex went to a special seminar at the hospital about all this bizarre things we were going to encounter once we were discharged. They doted on how breastfeeding isn't a reliable method of birth control and that the baby's first poo was going to be black and scary. They also mentioned the 'baby blues' and symptoms of postpartum depression/psychosis. Alex was, (in his humble opinion), prepared to deal with whatever craziness was about to be thrown at him. I had the 'baby blues' but it wasn't anything major. I also had distractions like the holiday season to deal with.
Once all the excitement blew over, and I was left at home with Molly, I began to freak out. Molly cried and cried. Then she slept for 45 minutes and cried again. I fed her all the time, mostly just to shut her up. This cycle went on for four months. Luckily, I had my friend Michelle to help me out so I didn't leave the baby and drive to Montreal.
In between Molly's cries, I cried. Sometimes we cried at the same time. Once Molly stopped crying so much, I continued to cry. I cried until Molly cut her first tooth. Then I slept for three consecutive hours for the first time in six months.
The crying seemed to be a normal function of exhaustion and hormones. It wasn't until my birthday that I began to realize that I still wasn't quite right. The boredom and monotony of Molly's routine combined with the (still) lack of sleep made me question my mental health. Why was I so in love with this baby but so unhappy? It didn't make sense even after much more sleep.

When I look at my beautiful child, I am overcome with emotion. She is worth everything to me and there is no one on this planet I love more. Love is not the same as happiness. This is a common misconception in our society that if we are in love, we must be happy. The wedding industry is built on that principle. I know there are examples of being in love and not being happy, but this is circumstantial to moments where we would be perceived to be happy as a result of life-changing love; not 'Fifty Shades of Grey'.
As mentioned before, I'm writing this post in response to my friend's feedback about how women are 'expected' to be overcome with happiness in specific moments like an upcoming marriage or the birth of a new child. The common denominator is 'Love'.
I'm not going to go into the extensive nitty-gritty psychology of how our brain reacts chemically to our feelings of love but I believe that the psycho-social implications of this make many women scared and sad. Love does that. Some of the greatest literature, music, and art come from these feelings. (Not to toot my own horn, but this blog was also started because of these feelings...just sayin').
It's easy to dote on the science to help understand why our brains and bodies react the ways they do under certain circumstances but when it comes to presentation of the self, we have to look to the social. Social pressures for women are obscene and we all know that. This is one of the small items on the long list of female injustice that we have to face. You'd be surprised to learn that this feeling of inadequacy was probably not the single-handed result of male pressure. Women are judgemental (as is everyone) and when it comes to family-love, no one makes bigger stinks than the matriarchs. Trust me! Unfortunately, I have to go into that in a later post because "The Boss" is almost done her nap.

I wish I could pass along sage advice for dealing with feeling blue from a love-instigated life-changing event but I can't. I'm sorry. All I can say is that if anyone out there in Blog-land is feeling this way, know that you have sympathy and a friend in me. Keep responding to me (publicly or privately) and I will always do my best to write back.