Moms for Moms

I am so lucky to have the friends I do.
This weekend, I'm delighted to be hosting one my long-time best chums, Libby.
She came in from the U.S. with her wonderful husband, Nathan, and their beautiful baby, Bryce.

Libby and I met years ago through Youth Group (NFTY) and camp. She is originally from Buffalo, and just recently moved back there after years of living in Boston, Baltimore, and Ithaca. I'm so happy she is so much closer to me. Although we don't speak daily (or even monthly), we have still managed to kindle a special friendship built on shared adventures and the thirst for fun.
Libby's family is very similar to mine in the fact that she and Nathan were married two weeks after Alex and I were; and Bryce was born exactly four months after Molly.
Unfortunately we also share(d) the 'blues' that came with the pre/postpartum adventures we have been having. Lucky for Libby, she is feeling much better and I'm pleased to hear and see that this discomfort ends and that I can (and will) resume my life.

This post could be all about Libby and our wacky adventures we have together, but I'm going to follow up my thoughts from the last post.
*Note: If you want to hear about my Libby stories, just ask me. Michelle says that when I speak of Libby, my face lights up with pure delight.

In the previous post I discussed the notion that 'love' is not 'happiness'. I also tip-toed into the discussion about the social pressures of women (especially as mothers) from other women.
You are probably wondering, what does this have to do with your dear friend, Libby? I'm glad you asked!

When Molly was born, I was bombarded with advice. Most of it was crappy. I'm not going to point any fingers at the people who gave me the really shitty advice but you know who you are.
I am going to say that the brunt of the advice was from women. (Well duh! Men are delightful creatures but when it comes to dolling out the mother-related nonsense that a new mom doesn't want/need to hear, they take a backseat-THANK GOD!!!)
If the women are giving the advice, they are also the sensitive creatures who are offended when you don't take the advice; and return that offence in criticism and judgement.

In preparation for Libby's arrival, I spent much of the week in a deep puddle of anxiety. Knowing full-well that no two moms are alike, I was worried that I was going to be both the giver and receiver of advice and judgement.

WHAT? (I know. This sounds really stupid but please hear me out).

When Michelle and I became friends, she was (and still is) doing an amazing job at raising Eva. I wanted to emulate everything she did because her baby was (and still is) so happy and wonderful. So I took my lead from her. We followed the same advice from Dr. Sears; we did the same sleep routine; we fed the girls the same first foods; we both shared a brand of cloth diapers we love; and we even put the girls on the same nap schedule so we could play together.
There was no judgement.
We still do some things differently and there still is no judgement or crappy advice. When we have questions, we ask without condescension or ill-feelings. And, yes, I will say it, Michelle is pretty much ALWAYS right. --> Enjoy this Michelle.

With the 'blues', I never know how I am going to behave in a new situation so I feel anxious.
Before Libby's arrival, we spoke briefly about some of the necessities she was going to need to make her and her family comfortable. It riled me up (FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON!!!). Yes, I had so much work to do to get our guest quarters (the basement) clean and cozy, and I had to make a second epic surprise for my friend's 30th birthday party; but I was most worried about my ability to refrain from passing perceived judgement.

I live in an area where there are babies in every house on every street. Most of them are little shits. Of course, you would blame the parents. They are often shits too. (My street is blessed to be inhabited by angels so it must be the other shits on other streets). My day-to-day life makes it difficult to not pass judgement on the shitty parents who let their children splash in the faces of babies in the splash pad or refuse to watch as their kids push other kids off the playground equipment. I admit it; I spend a lot of my day passing judgement. This is fostered in the unspoken advice I would give to the parents; "Shouldn't you be watching your child?", "Are you sure you want to smoke around your baby?", and "Maybe if you were paying more attention, your child wouldn't have broken the other kid's arm after he pushed her off the slide."
I know this is bigger stuff than what Libby and I deal with with our babies, but the same ideas apply. "You co-sleep? Aren't you afraid you are going to crush your baby? How do you have sex with a baby in the bed? Is there ever a time you aren't physically attached to your child?" You can see how these questions have a tone of condescension considering that this is not how I raised Molly. My fear was that my curiosity would be perceived as judgement by my friend, and the last thing I want to do is offend her or make her uncomfortable, or even question her decisions for what she knows is best for her baby.

People are their own worst critics. We never relish in the positivity; instead we dwell on the negative feedback. Personally, I think this is an evolutionary trait to help us improve ourselves to become the best people we can be. Unfortunately, all the criticism we take from others and ourselves, really bums us out. It bummed me out this week because all I could see was the negative. I picked out all the worst-case scenarios and jumped to those conclusions rather than reminding myself about the positives.
The ultimate positive was a little, tiny voice screaming at me all week and I just stomped her out with my blues.
When Libby arrived, that tiny voice smacked me in the head with a 2x4 and screamed, "THIS IS ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS! SHE WILL NEVER JUDGE YOU AND YOU WILL NEVER JUDGE HER! RELAX AND START ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT YOU TWO HAVE TOGETHER!"

If we look at other parents in the same ways we view our nearest and dearest, we probably won't judge them. We are moms for moms (No affiliation with Jews for Jesus). We are all doing the best we can for our children, and like stars in the sky, no two children are exactly alike, but they will all sparkle in their own way. Instead of judging or criticizing our fellow parents, we need to embrace their ways and become comrades rather than competition for 'who has the perfect child'. On a similar note, I will still judge you as a negligent ass-hole if your child pushes my baby down the slide. Don't think that you can escape the Emma Fox scowl (or verbal bitch-slap) is you mess with basic playground etiquette.